# Humor



## Don Turnipseed (Oct 8, 2006)

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' 
So he tied her up and went golfing. 
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. 
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' 
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. 
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. 
The optician showed him a card with the letters 

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 
'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' 
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. 
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' 
The wife stared at him. 
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' 
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


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## maggie fraser (May 30, 2008)

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. 
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' 
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.


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## Don Turnipseed (Oct 8, 2006)

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what..... 

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. 


Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! 
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. 
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' 
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked. 
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 
'Let me see' he said. 
'Okay' and she showed him. 
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' 
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. 

He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' 
She asked if she could look, so he showed her!

She said 
'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

LMAO! Good one, I haven't heard that before!


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## Gillian Schuler (Apr 12, 2008)

The husband asked his wife what she would do if he said he had won on the lottery.

Well, she answered "I'd take my half and leave."

"I won $12" he said. "Here's $6 - so f...k off!


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## maggie fraser (May 30, 2008)

Irish Flying Tale

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Gerry the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"Bjeesus" said Paddy..... "Will you look at how fockin short that runway is".

"Ya not fockin kiddin, Paddy" replied Gerry.

"Tis is gonna be one a'the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see" said Paddy.
"Ya not fockin kiddin, Paddy" replied Gerry.
"Roit Gerry. When I give the signal, you put ta engines in reverse" said Paddy
"Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.
"And den you put the flaps down straight away" said Paddy

"Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.

"And den you stamp on tem brakes as hard as you can'. said Paddy

"Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.

"And ten you pray to ta Mother Mary with all a'your soul" said Paddy

"Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and sweaty palms.
As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Gerry.....

"Tat has gotta be the shortest fockin runway I have EVER seen in my whole life".

Gerry looked out the side window and replied....... "Yeah Paddy, and the fockin widest too".


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## Don Turnipseed (Oct 8, 2006)

LOL. I liked that...it's right in there with blond jokes excep0t it is Irish. :wink:


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## Don Turnipseed (Oct 8, 2006)

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”


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## Don Turnipseed (Oct 8, 2006)

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then" he said with a deep sigh





"let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

LOL, I like that one - you guys have jokes I haven't heard before. Now I am rather impressed.


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## Don Turnipseed (Oct 8, 2006)

This is an oldie

Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on
that
morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and
possibly
have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,


'Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.


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## Don Turnipseed (Oct 8, 2006)

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny 

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican.
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."


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## Jim Nash (Mar 30, 2006)

I editted this one alot to try and make it exceptable here . 



A Game Warden comes to work on fishing opener curious to see if old Harold will be in his favorite spot on the lake , fishing and playing with himself , like he has been for several years , since the Warden has heard Harold got married over the winter . 

Sure enough when he rounds the corner of the bay there is old Harold in his boat fishin and playing with himself . 

The Warden pulls up congratulates Harold on his marriage and asks him why he still needs to play with himself . Harold says he would like to sleep with his wife but she's got , gonorrhea , pyrea , and a chronic case of diarrhea so it didn't leave him with very many options then to continue with what he has always done . 

Horrified the Warden asks why Harold ever married the woman to begin with and Harold replied : " Well she's got worms too and you know how I like to fish . "


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

That's really disgusting  I can't wait to tell that one during a formal dinner or something.


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## Don Turnipseed (Oct 8, 2006)

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!


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## Robert E Lee (Dec 16, 2009)

What do you call an intelligent blond?

Golden retriever....

=============

Whats the difference in a husband and a dog?

After a year when you come home the dog is still happy to see you
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Why did O.J. Simpson move to West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA
==============

Do you know why schools in Alabama only use the cars for Drivers Ed on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, because on Tuesday and thursday they us it for SEX Ed.
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Whats the difference in a Zoo in the North and a zoo in the South ?

In the South the cages have a description of the animal and includes a Recipe.


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## Don Turnipseed (Oct 8, 2006)

Alzheimer's Test 

How fast can you guess these words? 

1. F_ _K 

2. PU_S_ 

3. S_X 

4. P_N_S 

5. BOO_S 

6. _ _NDOM 













Answers: 



1. FORK 

2. PULSE 

3. SIX 

4. PANTS 

5. BOOKS 

6. RANDOM 



You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? 



Well, you don't have Alzheimers, but you may be a pervert


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## Don Turnipseed (Oct 8, 2006)

Love may be blind, but, marriage is a real eye opener.


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## Alice Bezemer (Aug 4, 2010)

A woman comes home from a long day of shopping and walks in on her husband sitting in a chair in the livingroom with a frown on his face...she asks her husband whats wrong ? Well he says, since you shop till you drop and I never see the benefits of all your spending I have decided to give you $ 500, - to shop some more but I want you to use the $500 to buy something nice for in the bedroom, that way I have atleast some fun of your spendingsprees...make it sexy, cute and transparant!

the wife goes out to victorias secret and looks around and suddenly thinks to herself...who am I kidding ? he never looks closely enough at me anyway to notice what im wearing so you know what ? im pocketing the cash and just go naked and he will never notice the difference...she comes home runs up the stairs, undresses and goes back to the stairs and says...well honey ? what do you think and she gives him a sexy lil wink...wellllll says the husband...its transparant but dear ? for $ 500 they could have atleast ironed all them bloody wrinkles out of it!


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## Connie Sutherland (Mar 27, 2006)

don turnipseed said:


> a blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and i can't figure out how to get started."
> 
> her boyfriend asks, "what's it supposed to be when it's finished?"
> 
> ...


Ah-hahahahahahahahahahahaha!


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## Connie Sutherland (Mar 27, 2006)

But this kind works, right? I have winter-evening-in-front-of-the-fire plans for this puzzle.

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j275/connies419/rice.jpg


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## Guest (Dec 1, 2008)

mod note: see page two


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## Don Turnipseed (Oct 8, 2006)

The Bridge 



A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and,in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' 

The biker pulled over and said, 

'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' 

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.' 



The biker thought about it for a long time. 

Finally, he said, 

'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. 



God replied: 

'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


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