# Convincing spouse to let the dog go



## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

Quick question, for those of you with spouses or significant others, how do you convince them to let you find a new home for a dog that isn't working out for you? 
My husbands attached to my male GSD. I had him neutered (the dog, not the hubby) to find him a good home because I don't believe I want to keep him. Not that he's a bad dog, but he's going to make someone an excellent pet; just not me.

I already started the process of rehoming him, and then hubby calls and wants to know about his dog. Oops. I haven't backed out of rehoming him, the person who wants him is TDY and won't be back for a couple of weeks, but what would you do?

We are restricted on the number of animals we can have in military housing when we get to Germany, so by him staying it's going to prevent me from buying a dog while I'm over there, at least until we're ready to leave and I bring a pup or two back with me - luckily I have enough kids that the airlines will let me send 1 dog per passenger, and well have 6 passengers so that leaves me room. 

I don't want to lie to my husband, even though saying the dog couldn't pass the health cert for flying would be a no-go for him and he'd have to find a new home...but that's feels morally wrong to do. 

So let's get some opinions here!


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## Joby Becker (Dec 13, 2009)

is the dog yours or his?


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

Legally? Mine. Both the dogs are mine via microchip ID and paperwork (shot records etc)

I honestly didn't know there was attachment there when I started looking into find him a new home - it kind of left me stuck because either way, someone isn't going to be happy. The new home because he's promised (but free to them) or the husband because I got rid of "his" dog.


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## mike suttle (Feb 19, 2008)

send a picture of yourself and a video of the dog retrieving metal. I may take you both. Then again, I may decide that neither of you are what I am looking for, but it never hurts to take a look!\\/
Just kidding. I would think that your husband will bond with the new dog just as well as he bonded with this one. So I would tell him honeslty that your odds of finding the right dog for you to work in Germany are higher than the odds of this dog working to your liking. Cut your losses, place the dog and get him excited about the new dog that you will be getting to replace this one.


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## Margaret Wheeler (May 29, 2010)

Yeah I just went through this: 

First, I found a home that was much more suited to my GSD than ours. He's a happy go lucky guy and his new family appreciates him as such.

Second, we already have 2 wonderful family pets that don't really get enough attention as it is. What's the logic of having a third?

Last. the GSD was MY dog and bottom line it was MY call on rehoming him. LOl it kind of works that they resent the new dog a bit... I don't want them interacting with him anyway. :twisted:

One last point... just ride it out for a few days.... in the end it's you who feels worst about rehoming the dog and you will be missing him long after they have happily moved on.


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

I think you and Mike are right. He will be better suited to a new home than mine. He's not too keen on me anymore after the neuter, in fact, he's just now warming up enough that I don't have to literally tip his crate upside down to get him out. 
I waited on sending him to his new home because the new folks are TDY and not there right now, and his neuter went kinda FUBAR so I wanted that all healed up first in case there were any problems, I'd have an easier time taking him back to the vet if more care was needed. 

i'm also still going to be waiting to see if he actually was able to get my GSD bitch pregnant, and if that's the case I'm considering keeping one back if I see anything I like. But if I keep him, that's not something I can do. I hate being restricted to 2 dogs. 

Granted, in the end it's my decision, since I'm the one who has to deal with him for the next year and deal with shipping, but I guess I can't win, lol.


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## susan tuck (Mar 28, 2006)

Marriage is about give and take. Reverse it, let's say you had a real fine working dog but your husband didn't like the dog and wanted you to get rid of it so he could get a dog more suited to him. You would laugh in his face and not even consider getting rid of the dog. 

I have 3 dogs now, but now I want another competition dog. In my city, you are limited to a maximum of 3 dogs. So I am patiently waiting for one of the old bitches to die. Until then, I suck it up and enjoy training the dog I have. My husband loves my current competiton dog, if I were to even suggest rehoming him, I think my DH would sooner rehome me!!!! It's a moot point, the dog is not rehomable anyway, and he still is a hoot to train, so that's life in the big city!

So suck it up and wait! Good things come to those who wait too. Or get rid of the other dog.


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## Christopher Smith (Jun 20, 2008)

Ashley, just let your husband read your first post. [-X After he sees that your problem will be solved.

Great advise Sue!


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

susan tuck said:


> So suck it up and wait! Good things come to those who wait too. Or get rid of the other dog.


Yeah that's not going to happen...ever. My husband loves her too - and she's been with me through a PCS move from NY to Colorado and a divorce, and I've had her longer than the husband. This new dogs been here for like 3-4 months at most, and 90% of that time my husbands been deployed. 

So you guys would rather keep a dog you don't like too much and that is completely "worthless" to you because of a little emotional attachment? If I had a dog that was "worthless" and my husband didn't like it, sure, it'd be finding a new home ASAP. I would argue the matter if it was a good working dog that I liked though and he didn't like - this dog is not that. It has no other purpose than to annoy the shit out of me and eat dog food, and shit in my yard. It would be a whole world of different if he was good for something.

It's not like he already had the dog before we got married, that would also make a huge difference.


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## Gerry Grimwood (Apr 2, 2007)

How do you know the new dog will be any better than this one ??


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

I won't.  But I won't find out if I'm stuck with a dog I don't like either.


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## Doug Zaga (Mar 28, 2010)

Get rid of the husband then you do not have to worry about give and take :twisted:


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

I probably should have made that a poll option, lol.


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## Don Turnipseed (Oct 8, 2006)

Have your husband get his own place then you can have 4 dogs and more exciting conjugal visits.


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## Thomas Barriano (Mar 27, 2006)

mike suttle said:


> send a picture of yourself and a video of the dog retrieving metal. I may take you both


Mike,

Be careful, the last new male Ashley took in got neutered and now she's looking to get rid of him


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## Maren Bell Jones (Jun 7, 2006)

Ashley Campbell said:


> Yeah that's not going to happen...ever. My husband loves her too - and she's been with me through a PCS move from NY to Colorado and a divorce, and I've had her longer than the husband. This new dogs been here for like 3-4 months at most, and 90% of that time my husbands been deployed.
> 
> So you guys would rather keep a dog you don't like too much and that is completely "worthless" to you because of a little emotional attachment? If I had a dog that was "worthless" and my husband didn't like it, sure, it'd be finding a new home ASAP. I would argue the matter if it was a good working dog that I liked though and he didn't like - this dog is not that. It has no other purpose than to annoy the shit out of me and eat dog food, and shit in my yard. It would be a whole world of different if he was good for something.
> 
> It's not like he already had the dog before we got married, that would also make a huge difference.


I agree with Sue. It's about give and take. I'd have to say lying or being deceptive about it would not be a good idea. Our oldest dog is about 13 or 14 years old and my husband loves that dumb nervebag dog. He does nothing besides eat and poop (sometimes even in the house since he's occasionally incontinent) while our other three dogs have some function. He tries my patience because he has canine cognitive dysfunction and has gotten spookier as he's aged. We might visit Europe next year after I graduate vet school as my brother is stationed in Germany, so I had some vague ideas about picking up a really nice Rottweiler as ours will likely be retired from herding either this fall or next spring and may just do therapy work until she's gone. But he's put his foot down about us having a maximum of four permanent dogs. So does that mean I'm going to have my oldest dog put down just to make room? No, I'll just have to bide my time. 

If he's sincerely attached to the dog and doesn't want to rehome it, then I'd concentrate on working your female to her fullest potential and move on then pick up a pup when you leave. Your female might end up getting the short end of the training time stick if you get a new pup anyways.


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## susan tuck (Mar 28, 2006)

Ashley Campbell said:


> So you guys would rather keep a dog you don't like too much and that is completely "worthless" to you because of a little emotional attachment? If I had a dog that was "worthless" and my husband didn't like it, sure, it'd be finding a new home ASAP. I would argue the matter if it was a good working dog that I liked though and he didn't like - this dog is not that. It has no other purpose than to annoy the shit out of me and eat dog food, and shit in my yard. It would be a whole world of different if he was good for something.
> 
> It's not like he already had the dog before we got married, that would also make a huge difference.


Apparently the dog is not "worthless" to your husband. If the hubby truly wants the dog and it's not him being an asshat and just trying to make you do something you don't want to, just because he can, then I still say suck it up and wait a couple years for another dog. Or don't, it's your dog and your marriage.

What are the circumstances with the "worthless" dog? Why did you get him in the first place? How old was he when you got him and why do you think he can't cut it?

The other thing you can do is try to convince your husband the dog would be happier being in a working/sport home with someone he is a better fit with. Tell him the dog won't be happy to sit at home and do nothing, not a lap dog.


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## Joby Becker (Dec 13, 2009)

have you even talked about this with him yet? ( the re-homing) or was he just asking about the dog?


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

Thomas Barriano said:


> Mike,
> 
> Be careful, the last new male Ashley took in got neutered and now she's looking to get rid of him


Hey now...

I have no response to that comment. 

That's why I put "worthless" in quotations. To me, he is, obviously not to the spouse though. To me, he's not worth the cost of the plane ticket to take him over, even though between the vet visits and neuter and chipping it's cost about as much, probably more. Just because I don't like him, doesn't mean I neglect him; just means I don't like him. It's a personality clash. I have another 8-9 months or so until hubby gets back and can take care of his own dog. I really can't stand to be around the dog, so he's getting the basic care but not too much more. I really tried to put effort into liking and bonding with him, but it hasn't worked out too swell. 

I'm also not fond of lying or deception, like I said in the first post, it feels morally wrong. There is a truthful possibility that he may not pass a health cert due to his weight, I'm not sure on that and won't know until I bring him in. That would almost be a blessing if he didn't. 
But Maren, at least at your 13-14 year old dog, you aren't going to have to put up with him too much longer in all reality. Sorry I know that's rather brash, but it's true. This dog isn't 18 months old yet. I have another at least 8 years of putting up with it, and probably much longer. It's not something I'm really looking forward to.

ETA:

I don't get a lot of contact with him, since he's not at a regular FOB with regular internet and phone access. So most phone calls are related to our PCS move, etc. He's not too thrilled I neutered "his" dog, but he got over that. But when he asked about his dog it's obvious he really wanted to know and cares about him. I'm going to try to talk about it next time he calls, but that may or may not be before we're packing up to leave, since sometimes it's 2-3 weeks between communications.


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## Lee H Sternberg (Jan 27, 2008)

When I was in Vietnam my parents got rid of my gorgeous English Setter before I knew about it. I still remember that horrible helpless feeling I had 44 years latter. Do you really want to do that to your "old man".

Just kidding although it is a true story. Talk to the guy. Whine a lot! You are a woman. You know how to handle it. You guys always figure out how to get what ever you want anyway!:razz:


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

Lee H Sternberg said:


> When I was in Vietnam my parents got rid of my gorgeous English Setter before I knew about it. I still remember that horrible helpless feeling I had 44 years latter. Do you really want to do that to your "old man".
> 
> Just kidding although it is a true story. Talk to the guy. Whine a lot! You are a woman. You know how to handle it. You guys always figure out how to get what ever you want anyway!:razz:


LOL, ok now I feel bad. Nice guilt trip there Lee, you could sell tickets to Hell and make people feel guilty about asking for ice water on the trip. 

However, whining gets me nowhere with him, because I don't whine about stuff to get my way, and he knows it. If I thought whining would work, I'd have a new SUV by now and he could keep the damn dog!


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## Don Turnipseed (Oct 8, 2006)

Ashley, you said you would have six seats coming back from Germany. I assume 1 for you and 1 for hubby. That leaves four seats. If those four other seats came with you in the deal, I wouldn't be lying about anything. If those 4 other seats are yours, let him have the dog with a smile.


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## Lee H Sternberg (Jan 27, 2008)

Ashley Campbell said:


> LOL, ok now I feel bad. Nice guilt trip there Lee, you could sell tickets to Hell and make people feel guilty about asking for ice water on the trip.
> 
> However, whining gets me nowhere with him, because I don't whine about stuff to get my way, and he knows it. If I thought whining would work, I'd have a new SUV by now and he could keep the damn dog!


Occasionally it's fun laying guilt trips on people.:-D


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

3/4 of those seats came with me - so did a house, all the furniture, 2 vehicles and a hell of a nice savings account, not to mention some livestock and a dog, lol. Can't complain too much about that, I may have came with kids already, but that was his choice - I came with quite a few assets as well.


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## susan tuck (Mar 28, 2006)

Ashley get this: I have a friend who has in the last couple of years has gotten into working line GSDs. She still has her first GSD, a showline named Gunther - but not for lack of trying to rehome him. You see she has tried but people give him back because they kind of get a little grossed out by one of the dogs "habits".....the dog drinks his own piss - I kid you not. So it could be worse!!!!!!!!

Actually I do feel for you. Sometimes a dog just isn't the right fit, and it doesn't work out. It's a tough situation and I wish you good luck in whatever you end up doing.


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## Gerry Grimwood (Apr 2, 2007)

susan tuck said:


> You see she has tried but people give him back because they kind of get a little grossed out by one of the dogs "habits".....the dog drinks his own piss - I kid you not. So it could be worse!!!!!!!!


 
So, the dog is holistic ??


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## leslie cassian (Jun 3, 2007)

I'm with Lee. When I was a kid, my Mom rehomed 'my' puppy when I went away for a weekend. Then told me after the fact what she'd done. Yeah, I was too young to look after a dog, but he was mine. That feeling of betrayal sticks with me 40 years later. As an adult I completely understand why, but at the time it was a mean and underhanded thing to do. 

Is your dog really that bad of a dog? I have the most useless dog on the planet - he's big and dumb with a streak of mean and a mess of bad hips and elbows and has cost me a fortune. He has no brain, and no desire to work, but the big dumb lug seems to love me, so I let him live.


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## Annika Friberg (Mar 27, 2009)

Who is going to take care of the dog on a daily basis in the future? Percentage wise? 

If you do 80-90% of the training/feeding/exercising I think it's your call (this is obviously a longterm question, not the next 8-9 months).

If he puts more than 50% of work and care into the dog, or will do so in the future, then he gets to be in on the decision. But with kids you usually tell them that "if you want it, you'll have to take care of it" - that goes for husbands too, no?


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## Margaret Wheeler (May 29, 2010)

Sorry, I missed the whole military thing... if I had seen it I wouldn't have been so hard core in my tone. Skimming: Guilty as Charged. 

I still stand by the rehoming though. Life is way too short to keep a dog that will be happier elsewhere and which is preventing you from participating in an activity that you are passionate about.


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

Annika Friberg said:


> Who is going to take care of the dog on a daily basis in the future? Percentage wise?
> 
> If you do 80-90% of the training/feeding/exercising I think it's your call (this is obviously a longterm question, not the next 8-9 months).
> 
> If he puts more than 50% of work and care into the dog, or will do so in the future, then he gets to be in on the decision. But with kids you usually tell them that "if you want it, you'll have to take care of it" - that goes for husbands too, no?


That's a good question. With my female, I do all the work, because she's my dog. I don't know how it's going to be when he gets back, we only had the dog a few days when he left - hence why I didn't think there'd be enough attachment for him to give a damn if I gave it away. I imagine I'll still be the one feeding and training the bozo when he gets back though, but I can't say for sure. 

With my kids, yeah, they take care of it or...well, I take care of it because they don't. It was that way with the cat, but I kind of got attached to the cat enough not to give it away when they lost interest. I normally hate cats but it left me alone unless it was out of food - so we lived in harmony until she died. 

Is he really that bad? No, he's a nice pet, loving and sweet. Big, dumb, and clumsy as shit though. Pushy and overbearing most of the time. He seems to like me fairly well, because he bugs the shit out of me. I honestly think he'd be better suited to someone who wants a really friendly and nice dog that they want to shower with love and treat like a child - I'm not that kind of person.


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## Annika Friberg (Mar 27, 2009)

> That's a good question. With my female, I do all the work, because she's my dog. I don't know how it's going to be when he gets back, we only had the dog a few days when he left - hence why I didn't think there'd be enough attachment for him to give a damn if I gave it away. I imagine I'll still be the one feeding and training the bozo when he gets back though, but I can't say for sure.


Well, the reason I ask because it's my experience that if you let it be known that the care for THIS dog will be on his shoulders if you guys end up keeping him, a lot of times husbands think twice about whether they REALLY want it (as in daily and main responsibility) or just feel vaguely sentimental about it. 

And if you do end up keeping it (providing your husband actually sticks to his decision to take most of the responsibility for it.), at least a lot of the work with the dog you don't like will be off your shoulders so when you are in the position to get a new dog, you can focus on it and your female.


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## Jeff Oehlsen (Apr 7, 2006)

Just give the thing away, or shoot it with your "9". Just stop with the drivel about a ****ing shitter dog already, JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZ


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

Jeff Oehlsen said:


> Just give the thing away, or shoot it with your "9". Just stop with the drivel about a ****ing shitter dog already, JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZ


Didn't know I held my "9" against your head and made you read it Jeff  I'm just giving you a bad time, I knew when I saw you'd replied what you had said before I opened it.


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## Bob Scott (Mar 30, 2006)

I couldn't get rid of a dog that my wife truly liked but I know she would stand up and take care of it.


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## Martine Loots (Dec 28, 2009)

If it's his dog and he's gonna take care of it, then it should be him who decides what happens to the dog.

If you have to do all the work, then it's different. He shouldn't get you stuck with a dog you don't like. Not good for you and not good for the dog either.

Also you have a working dog that you really like, so why take another? Always best to train only one dog if you consider the time and the energy it takes. I prefer working one dog and only taking a new pup when the older dog is in the routine of competition.


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## Mike Lauer (Jul 26, 2009)

Why do you get to have the dog you want and he doesnt get to have the dog he wants?
seems selfish to me


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## Jaana Aadamsoo (Dec 5, 2008)

It think it depends alot on the spouse. When my significant other tricked us a dachshund (I wanted another doberman and he didn´t and as I hated dachshunds he thought he will push the "one for you, one for me" card but counted on the assumption I would never let a dachshund in my home and refused to admit it for months :^o), I got used to the little critter in no time and not because I naturally bonded with her so well but because she was our dog and it is easier to make the best of it, right. But when I talked him into letting me take my own dachs, he reluctantly agreed and just now, 9 months later, is starting to warm up to her. I don´t even want to think about what would happen when I would do something he is actively against or get rid of his dog (that I take care of about 80% of the time). With my ex, however, I could have set his hair of fire and at the end of the day he would have said he is sorry he didn´t have more so the house could have gotten warmer. There just are the kind that you can nag and whine to get your way and then there are the others you just have to reason with and hope you make a good case. Or face the consequence.


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

Mike Lauer said:


> Why do you get to have the dog you want and he doesnt get to have the dog he wants?
> seems selfish to me


Probably because I take care of all the animals in the house; my bitch I had long before we were ever married. Actually I've had her almost as long as I've even known him. 


But, thanks for all the opinions. The dog gets to stay at least for now because - I got word this morning that his command kicked back my paperwork for Germany and I'm stuck here. Not because of anything I've done, but more-so because they can't read. I had to give them copies of my custody of my children, and for some reason, they are illiterate and keep telling me "it needs to be signed by a judge and you have full custody" - it is signed by a Colorado judge and gives me full temporary custody until return from overseas then returns to joint with my ex-spouse. This is the 4th time they kicked it back, after I ran it with a highlighter on the signature of the judge and where it shows my full temporary custody and scanned it and sent it back. So I gave up.

I can have more than 2 dogs where I live now, I'll just see if I can't buy a dog about the time hubby will be shipped back to the US and have him bring it back for me. Then we can have 3. If he won't take care of his when he gets back, we'll discuss finding him a new home.



> With my ex, however, I could have set his hair of fire and at the end of the day he would have said he is sorry he didn´t have more so the house could have gotten warmer.


LOL! What a wonderful analogy.


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## susan tuck (Mar 28, 2006)

Ashley Campbell said:


> But, thanks for all the opinions. The dog gets to stay at least for now because - I got word this morning that his command kicked back my paperwork for Germany and I'm stuck here. Not because of anything I've done, but more-so because they can't read. I had to give them copies of my custody of my children, and for some reason, they are illiterate and keep telling me "it needs to be signed by a judge and you have full custody" - it is signed by a Colorado judge and gives me full temporary custody until return from overseas then returns to joint with my ex-spouse. This is the 4th time they kicked it back, after I ran it with a highlighter on the signature of the judge and where it shows my full temporary custody and scanned it and sent it back. So I gave up.
> 
> .


Ashley I am so sorry. What a frustrating thing to have happen. It sucks and blows all at the same time.


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

It is. I can't believe they cannot read something so simply put. But I think in the long run it 's going to work out better, hubby's going to try to get stationed back where I am from so I can be home in the AZ heat instead of freezing my ass off in CO when get gets back.


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## Thomas Barriano (Mar 27, 2006)

Ashley Campbell said:


> I had to give them copies of my custody of my children, and for some reason, they are illiterate and keep telling me "it needs to be signed by a judge and you have full custody" - it is signed by a Colorado judge and gives me full temporary custody until return from overseas then returns to joint with my ex-spouse. This is the 4th time they kicked it back, after I ran it with a highlighter on the signature of the judge and where it shows my full temporary custody and scanned it and sent it back. So I gave up.


HI Ashley

Don't give up yet 
You need to give them what they want, because the Army controls the game.
They want an order giving you full custody
You're giving them an order giving you full TEMPORARY custody with return to joint when you get back.
If you can get together with the ex and go to court and get a simple order giving you full custody, nothing about temporary and return to joint in the future. You and the ex can make another side arrangement. Just don''t include it in the full custody order from the judge.


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

It took me 3 months to get into court last time. The problem was that I am time restricted on flight since we have a baby due in Feb. I started all this paperwork back in June when I had more than ample time, but between them dragging their feet and taking 3 weeks to kick it back each time, it's eaten up 3 months. 
So by the time I can get back into court, plus the 2-3 week wait for them to sign off on it, I'm not going to be able to go anyway. Then after the baby is born, I have to start all over to add another person to fly over...

Full temporary custody is all that is required for me to go. They are saying my paperwork isn't even signed by a judge - I'd like them to go tell the judge who signed my divorce decree that he's not a judge. 

It's just not worth it anymore.


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## Margaret Wheeler (May 29, 2010)

Ashley Campbell said:


> It took me 3 months to get into court last time. The problem was that I am time restricted on flight since we have a baby due in Feb. I started all this paperwork back in June when I had more than ample time, but between them dragging their feet and taking 3 weeks to kick it back each time, it's eaten up 3 months.
> So by the time I can get back into court, plus the 2-3 week wait for them to sign off on it, I'm not going to be able to go anyway. Then after the baby is born, I have to start all over to add another person to fly over...
> 
> Full temporary custody is all that is required for me to go. They are saying my paperwork isn't even signed by a judge - I'd like them to go tell the judge who signed my divorce decree that he's not a judge.
> ...


 Hang in there Ashley!


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## Ashley Campbell (Jun 21, 2009)

Margaret Wheeler said:


> Hang in there Ashley!


Thanks! I haven't strangled anyone yet, so I'm doing ok with this. What sucks is all the paperwork was already stamped for approval through his immediate command, so it was pretty certain we were going.

But, we have a contingency plan. I was moving because he has a term to fulfill in Germany, until June 2012. He's going to re-enlist to pick his duty station, so his command over there will not be able to keep him after this deployment. 

There's more than one way to skin a cat, and since they were hell bent on retaining him, they won't be able to after this - paybacks a bitch.


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## David Ruby (Jul 21, 2009)

Don Turnipseed said:


> Have your husband get his own place then you can have 4 dogs and more exciting conjugal visits.


=D> Don, I like the way you think!

-Cheers


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